I Survived: Alien Crustacean Humpage

Written by Marc DeAngelis

Friday, 16 October 2009 18:22

Back in the day, most of us gamers had to make a choice. We were too young to have jobs, so we relied on our parents to buy our consoles for us. And, of course, we could only choose one console per generation, if that. Personally, I had a Genesis in the 16-bit era, as did my friends, so I never had the chance to play through Super Metroid. I acquired a Super Nintendo a few years ago, but my game's save data was erased after playing for about five hours. I recently started playing Super Metroid again on the Wii's Virtual Console, but I ran into something last night that I never saw coming.

Hit the link for all the kinky details.

If you've played Super Metroid before, you know how frustrating the Maridia area is. It's like the game's designers wanted you to get lost in the marine maze. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. Anyway, I was just about to finish off the area - I knew the boss was coming up due to the up-tempo, aggressive music.

A giant mix between a crab, a lobster, and an alien shows up on screen and starts spitting white goo at me. "What a strange choice of color," I thought, since the game usually features a bright, neon color palette. Little did I know, the perverts who created Super Metroid made the goo white for a reason.

I was eventually hit by the sticky substance, and the boss quickly grabbed me, swimming higher and higher. No matter how hard I struggled, I couldn't break free from the green giant's claws. And then it happened.

His tail began to wallop poor Samus' ass. Repeatedly. Until over half my HP was gone. My jaw dropped, I sat there in awe. I just witnessed Samus get caught in a monster's white secretion, grabbed, taken to someplace a little more private, and violated. How the hell did this get into the game? I'm not truly disgusted in a PTA kind of way; I'm just appalled that it all happened. Maybe it's an homage to the Japanese fascination with tentacle lovin'. Maybe it's a somewhat sly and sick mischief-making from the Super Metroid staff. Either way, it's pretty shocking.

It's especially frustrating that this happened to Samus of all game heroines. Many female protagonists are objectified and made the subject of the Male Gaze. Either that, or female characters are powerless and are in need of rescue from a strong male character. Samus on the other hand, is independently strong and is not over-sexualized (or maybe she's de-sexualized, thanks to her armor rendering her gender ambiguous). Not that it would be OK for Lara Croft to get railed by a giant enemy crab, but Samus should be that last one subjected to such crude humor. I guess she should carry some pepper spray along with those super-missiles.

[Top image via Metroid Datebase]