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 I've worked in this industry for five years; from the retail management sector, to creating graphic novels based on video game properties and now working here at THEBBPS.COM. Being an avid fan of the industry and how this side of it works, I thought I knew how a review was supposed to be written. Recently I found out we've had it all wrong! Taking into account this new found lease on video game reporting life, we here at THEBBPS decided to petition the help of Professor Klaus Von Friggit, an industry expert on video game reporting. Professor Von Friggit has been kind enough to show us the error of our ways and sent us this practical guide on how we should be tackling our reviews...clearly he's helped some of our competition and people have taken notice. So sit down, relax, place a shiny Red Delicious on his desk and let the Professor throw some knowledge in your general direction.
------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Professor Klaus Von Friggit:We here at THEBBPS are confused about writing our video game reviews. We were under the impression that we had to thoroughly play through a game before we made any recommendations... especially if we recommend to our readership to purchase a game that has been known to infect and kill you. In the vein of Elite Beat Agents we cry for your HELP *queue giant face teardrop*! Xav de Matos, THEBBPS.COM ------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Xav:I get this question a lot and from what I've read on your site recently you are in fact going about it all wrong! Luckily I am available to help you write an award-winning piece that will surley make you are your website the talk of the town! Lesson 1: Cookie-Cutter ReviewsYou know, there is an overabundance of game releases at certain times of the year and it's hard to keep up! I noticed this has affected you gentleman since you've been playing catch-up recently. But with this helpful questionnaire, you too can write your very own video game review worthy of posting on your website that promises to have both fan site attitude but maintains professional coverage! (Fill in the blanks)Today (insert game name here) will grace store shelves for (insert platforms here) and boy-oh is it an anticipated title. When it was first announced on (insert date here) gamers clamored for as much information as they could get their hands on, luckily (insert your gaming site URL here) has an exclusive review of the game. Hang on to your hats, this one is gonna be a doozy! Visually, (insert game title here) is a looker. While games like (insert prequel name or comparable game title here) were impressive, (insert current game being reviewed here) takes it to unprecedented new heights. The character models are also as stunning as (insert name of a famous 16th Century painting), but as-if it was injected with a lethal dose of (insert popular illegal street drug name). Furthermore, if it were legal in any current state, (insert game name here) is so beautiful I would be hard-pressed to find anyone as visually appealing. Rather than discuss my masturbatory fantasies with (said game for which platform you are reviewing) I feel compelled to express my fondness for the game play. (Insert key game play element, i.e. shooting or swinging) is reminiscent of losing one's virginity to (insert prostitute's name here) except for half-the-price. The sheer amount of fun you will experience while you (insert key game play element here) is truly a remarkable feat that only (insert developer's name here) can provide for it's customers. Sure the title does have flaws like (insert flaw, popular examples are repetition, not enough missions or for added effect mention multiple flaws) but it's hard to hold that against a title so great! The sound you ask? Well, it's as if a million (insert tiny fictional character, i.e. fairies or pixies) have invaded your ear and are tickling your ear-drum with absolute joy. Sound is ordinarily a small part of a review, but for us here at (insert game site URL) it is a deciding factor for whether a game is considered an Editors' Choice or a steaming pile of (insert favorite animal species) shit. As for the fun factor of the game, never once did it cross our minds that (insert game title here) is comparable to (insert negative verb here, ie. excessive vomiting or explosive diarrhea). It was a pure delight from start to finish. We'd love to go into detail about the story of the game, but for a brief synopsis we recommend you read our preview, which I have also had the pleasure of writing. Overall, playing (insert game title here) was fun to a degree of awesomeX10. Sure, that's a lot of awesome but trust us... you are not going to find a better game to spend your (insert game price prior to applicable taxes here) during this time of the year. Playing (insert game title here + the platforms for which it was released) will be so enjoyable you will almost feel (insert developer name here) tingling your genitals with it's expansive vision. Note: A reviewer should never disclose how it is possible the review was posted the same day that the game came out without an advanced review copy, or claim that you have in fact received the game in advance of even the largest sites online. Also, referring to your notes from previews or copy and pasting it totally acceptable! If you happen to see a game out of the corner of your eye at a press event while walking to the bathroom after drinking too many Appletini's that is considered a preview. You should also never mention that you have based your review on previous iterations, industry hype or general gaming geeky-ness for a particular universe/character. Follow these simple rules and you are sure to increase your hit count and catch the eye of every major online game site editor and in no way will turn you or your website into an industry-wide joke!Respectfully yours, Professor Klaus Von Friggit, E.S.Q. Editor's Note: The views expressed in this tutorial are all the Professor's doing... Seriously, he's totally a real guy.
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I just want to make sure that I'm not personally attached to this post. The only statements I've made about that "When is a Review Not a Review?" situation were within that original post and its comments, and I had nothing to do with the creation of this post.
It's funny, and it doesn't bother me at all, I just want to throw that out there so it's not somehow attributed to me.