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 During BitCast Episode #28 I went into a Red Bull fueled rampage on how craptastic the Hannah Montana game was for the DS. In my haste, and because I stopped reading TeenBeat when I was 13, I didn't realize the game I had played was actually an older adventure style title and not the rhythm title we have mentioned on previous shows. After getting a chance to play the actual Hannah Montana music-based game, stealthily titled Hannah Montana: Music Jam, I have updated my impressions. Jump in to find out how wrong I was!
The Hannah Montana game I played and subsequently ranted about was a bad adventure game but the game I thought I was playing was actually a bad music-based adventure game! Egg on my face. Here's how the Hannah Montana: Music Jam experience works... When you fire-up your DS, and you would literally have more fun if the handheld was engulfed in flames while in your hands, you are treated to a few different options, including: Adventure Play and Creative Play. Adventure Play allows you to play through the storyline that I can only suspect is as full and feature rich as Mass Effect. Creative Play lets your juices flow like spinal fluid from a fresh bullet wound to the brain stem letting you Make a Video, Make a Tune or play Multiplayer with your other friends who may or may not have just had their period. While I would like to comment fully on my experience, I can only go by the extended play session I had. Here is a minute-by-minute account of my time with Hannah Montana: Music Jam. 0:01 - Game boots up to no less than four different company logos, among them are; Disney (surprise!), Gorilla Games (but they loved making this game!) and a bunch of other companies that probably won't mind me not mentioning their names.0:02 - Dear god, what is the tone that is skull fucking my psyche over and over again? The world around me is getting dark and it's so hard to breathe. Oh, main menu music. 3:03 - Holy shit, I just blacked out. 3:05 - They say Manhunt 2 will turn me into a violent unapologetic killer? They clearly haven't heard the looped MIDI version of Hannah Montana's "Just Like You." To end the madness I select Adventure Play. 3:07 - So you play as Hannah Montana, go figure, and for some reason the world doesn't know she's a blonde singing superstar. I'm told to progress I need to go and change in the closet. 3:10 - Good god, apparently Hannah lost her legs in Vietnam because her walking speed is comparable to an Idaho Senator leaving an airport bathroom. 3:11 - In the closet, a room that's bigger than my entire apartment, Hannah changes into a different color shirt and pants and now she's a brunette. Looks like another graduate from the Clark Kent School of Disguises. 3:12 - Hannah, who now has a different name as a brunette that I didn't catch while furiously pounding the buttons to advance anything that resembles a story, is told by her friend to go and talk to her dad who is in the living room. 3:15 - After snailing down to the room and landing on a context sensitive glowing circle Hannah's father is telling her something, I didn't read it. It's possible they are talking an exit strategy for the war, or how Global Warming has become the new hot button in the media... who really cares. 3:17 - Pops says to go play guitar, finally... Walk over to the guitar rack and jump into the action. 3:18 - This isn't half-bad a little like how Jam Sessions should have been. Notes come down the guitar and you need to strum using the stylus and press in the direction of the d-pad to get the right tone. It tells you when and in which direction and it's quite responsive. But guess which song I'm playing... 6:02 - I awoke several hours later in a daze. Fuck this. While the game mechanics work okay, I can't stand to play this thing. There are only three, count them... 1...2...3... tracks in the game to begin with (and damned if I'll play enough to find out if anymore are unlockable.) There is an option in the main menu called Extras where you can freely practice lead and rhythm guitar, bass and drums on any of the available tracks. Drums are my favorite. You tap the correct piece of the drum set when an Elite Beat Agents style cursor appears on the kit. The game could be great, but I really don't have the time, patience or the vagina to find out for sure. [Ed. Note: Due to the fact that I skipped every bit of text I could have the whole Hannah Montana-lore all wrong. Apologizes to any Hannah Montana fanfic writers currently creating mail bombs to send to THEBBPS.COM Office.]
[Ed. Note 2 - The Return of the Ed. Note: While I joke quite heavily that this title is a "girl game" it could easily be enjoyed by anyone. No disrespect to women at all- this was written in a failed attempt to be funny. Rest assured I love women... in fact I bone them exclusively.]
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