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XBL Community games come in the following two varieties: The Dishwasher: Dead Samurai, and crap. Here’s the worst of the worst:
Clock 24-7: This is a clock. It is not even a real clock, which can be purchased at Ikea for $2 (single AA battery included). It is a fake clock and it costs $2.50. If you are too lazy to turn your head to look at your wall clock, you can press your frakking guide button and your 360 will display the time for you. For free.
Calculator360: Jesus Christ. I found no less than three of these on the ground in college, and you expect me to pay 200 MSP for this? It makes the Microsoft Calculator look like I.M. Pei joined forces with Tera Patrick. My Hello Kitty calculator from seventh grade works better than this, and is far more bubblegum-scented.
Hit the jump. It only gets worse...
I would like no part of this “Rocket Rodeo”
Carnyvale: Showtime: When I was four years old, my older cousin Bobby showed me Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Since then, I have been absolutely terrified of clowns. When my dad took me to the circus, I demanded to leave before the cannon went off because that’s when I thought they’d start making people into cotton candy. I was barely able to make it through level one of this game.
The gameplay, described as a “vertical ragdoll platformer” is overly familiar. It’s basically a pinball game stood on end with limited interference during play, very similar to Sonic Spinball. You can move Slinky, your horrifying protagonist and metal ball substitute, to the left and right mid-air with less control than Bret Michaels’ bandanna has on his European hair extensions. You can also reach out and grab Slinky (although why you’d want to is beyond me) with arms that extend from bumpers. Once you’ve grabbed Slinky, you start to whip him around the bumper and can let him go at any time to send him in any direction. The object is to send him through a flaming ring at the top of each level. Try as I might, I couldn’t get him or his silky, patchwork suit to burn.
While this isn’t the worst Community game, it isn’t worth your money—or your soul. If you are still on the fence, allow me to inform you that not only is Slinky a clown, he’s also a puppet.
Ladybird Galaxy: I really don’t know if this is any good or not. I quit when I figured out it wasn’t about the pioneering space travels of Lyndon Johnson’s wife.
Welcome to Mexico: Welcome to Mexico is about an illegal immigrant (in a sombrero, naturally) trying to cross the border into the United States. Along the way, he must collect pesos and face snakes, cacti, and electric border fences. In order to get the energy to jump, he must consume red chili peppers. At first, I wondered if this is a highly intelligent way to draw attention to the racism against Italians in every Mario game. Then I wised up when the Mexican reached “Cancoon.” I think this designer needs to spend less time learning XNA and more time at the Museum of Tolerance. Does the fact that the creator has a name like Angelo Pelini make it any less racist? I spent four years at a liberal arts college and I am still not sure.
Barf and Beer: I hate throwing up. Every time I feel like I’m going to puke, I enter into a dialogue with Our Lord. “Jesus,” I pray, “please, please don’t make this stuff come up. Remember in high school when my friends stole that plastic baby You from that house’s nativity scene and I stayed in the car? That’s gotta be worth something, right?” Why anyone would want to play a game where the object is to make your online friends blow graphically enhanced chunks all over the screen is a complete mystery. A mystery that looks and smells like chopped-up hot dogs, split pea soup, and kibble.
Solichek: Solitary checkers. Not being able to find someone to play checkers with you is just about the saddest thing I have ever heard.
Honorary Mention for Unintentionally Funny Title: Couples Sudoku. The box-filling jokes write themselves!
Thank you for reading my very first BBPS article. I will write an article introducing myself in the near future.
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Also: Enjoyed this post, thankee! More long, angry posts! Fewer (in my opinion) posts that link to something (or a linkdump/youtube weekly post)!