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I like video games. Surprised? Please, sit back down. Not only do I enjoy the occasional mindless excursion through the virtual worlds of Rapture, City 17, or Raccoon City, I also enjoy playing many of my favorite games online. Ever since multiplayer became a necessary feature in (most) video games we’ve been bombarded with a plethora of clever, creative, dumb, and downright dirty names players choose to represent themselves while playing online. This phenomenon has brought many questions to the surface, like: Why is the letter ‘X’ so popular? Did they forget to turn off caps lock? What do the cryptic combinations of random numbers that follow many gamertags really mean? Is it the player’s birth date? The combination to their safe? Like exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop, the world may never know. What I do know is that over the last several years I’ve spent playing video games online, I’ve come across some rather interesting identities. Some people deserve a reward for their creativity in creating a name for themselves, while others need to be banned from playing with others until their balls drop or they learn how to form a pseudonym that doesn’t disgust or confuse others. So here are my awards for some of the more memorable gamertags I’ve come across.
DISCLAIMER: In no way do these awards actually mean anything; if your gamertag was chosen then you are welcome to give yourself a pat on the back, if yours wasn’t then… well, I guess either you’re not terribly creative or I’ve never played with you on Xbox Live. Anyways, on to the article.
For starters, let’s try to see if we can more fully understand just what type of person chooses what type of gamertag. Unsurprisingly, there are a lot of violent people playing games online, and you can usually tell how volatile they are by the words (or combination of words) in their handle. Blood, Death, Reaper, Killer, Shooter, and Psycho are all dead giveaways as to what type of personality you’re playing with. Do you want a psycho on your team? Only if you’re playing Gears of War. Viva Pinata? Probably not.
Dirty gamertags are another all too common category, some of the more memorable gamertags I’ve come across being BigTwiggNBerryz, SurpriseButtSecks, PineInchNenus, and A Stripper. It only gets better when you combine two of these, for example: SurpriseButtSecks killed A Stripper. While it does inspire a giggle (or more fittingly, a LOLZ), it can also get slightly annoying. Look, I know you’re trying to be funny, but please: grow up.
I’m no psychologist, but to me the aforementioned categories of online personas clearly indicate that the creator is either: A., twelve years old (physically), or B., twelve years old (mentally). Neither is the type of person I wish to play with (though I have nothing against the twelve year-olds out there).
Now for my favorite type of gamertag: the one that shows the player actually spent more then five seconds thinking of it. To me, a creative gamertag not only shows a piece of your personality, it also shows that you could quite possibly be an interesting person to converse with. I enjoy multiplayer games, I play them often, and one of the best things one can gain from playing games online is the chance to meet fascinating people from across the world one wouldn’t usually be able to meet. This reason alone is great motivation for me to play an online game long after it has lost its appeal.
So, we’ve finally made it to the meat of the article: the awards. While these awards don’t really mean anything, if you’re the proud owner of one of the gamertags I’m about to mention, good for you. Consider this another achievement to add to your gamerscore. Plus, you’ve earned yourself a cookie. A big one. So without furthur ado, here are the best of the best, followed by the honorable mentions in each category.
The ‘Witty Geek’ award goes to…
Nerdfury
Honorable Mention:
Hardcore Pwnography
The ‘I Don’t Want to Know You in Real Life Because You Scare Me’ award goes to…
Schizoepileptic
Honorable Mention:
HoboMonstrocity
The ‘You Actually Have to Read to Get This’ award goes to…
TheNoodleIncident
The ‘Still Dirty but Creative Enough to Make the List’ Award goes to…
Raised Bonezilla
Honorable Mention:
Dildo Shaggins
The ‘WTF Is So Cool About Ninjas?’ award goes to…
PMS Ninja
Honorable Mentions:
TheGeckoNinja
LootNinja
PiratesVsNinjas
KillerNinja
NinjaOrderve
IKilledANinja
ANinjaKilledMe
BlueNinja
GreenNinja
RedNinja (seriously, WTF?)
The ‘Are You F#%KING High?’ award goes to…
IKnowAFatGuy
Honorable Mentions:
CuddlySandpaper
L0af0fBread
PetMyChia
PoorLifeChoices
BobFromAccounting
ViagraOverdose
Baby Colada
I'll admit the last one's my own, but long after changing it from a very boring handle I still don't have a clue as to what inspired its creation. It's catchy though. Anyways, the winner of this year's coveted award that doesn't really exist is...
Drum roll please...
The ‘You Are Obviously An Amazing Person” award goes to…
Taste the Painbow
Honorable Mention:
Belgian Rofl
So, I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing this. These awards are meant to inspire laughs, not arguments. And for the PS3 users out there, next on my list are The First Annual PSN Account Awards! If you think that sounds fun then you’ll love the one after that, entitled: The First Annual Wii Friend Code Awards! You better hope you were given a clever and/or witty friend code when you signed your Wii up for online play, because as of now, no gamer is safe…
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i thought mine 'King Uber Geek' would have atleast beat 'nerdfury' in the 'Witty Geek' award.
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