We Love Fatties: The Huskiest Hotties in Video Games

Written by Marissa Meli

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 21:41

You like your pixels fat and juicy, don’t ya? You can be honest with us, it’s the internet! We here at The BBPS have a particular fondness for the porcine persuasion, and in honor of those who let it all hang out, we present to you: The Huskiest Hotties in Video Games.

Rufus - Street Fighter IV

The musk of a sweaty jumpsuit. The hint of a sandy treasure trail. The shaved-head-with-braid combo that belongs to the Mexican Mafia's Watts chapter circa 1991. It can be no other than Rufus, Street Fighter's fleet-footed and foxy fattie. With three clasps undone and the fourth on its last legs, Rufus works all kinds of magic.

Rufus is one of SFIV’s new characters, and the most agile. He fights with a misunderstanding of martial arts and a (correct) belief that he is America’s most handsome son. Bad news, ladies and some dudes: he has a girlfriend, appropriately named Candy.

Fattie Factoids: While the official Capcom roster lists Rufus’s blood type as O, it is actually chipotle mayo.

Carl "CJ" Johnson - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Carl Johnson is yours to customize. Why spend hours at the virtual gym mashing buttons when mashed potatoes with gravy and greasy chicken legs are right down the block? Feed Carl enough food from Cluckin’ Bell and Burger Shot and enjoy the fresh man meat.

Carl “CJ” Johnson is the main character in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. He returns to his old hood after his mother is killed in a drive-by shooting and attempts to rebuild his life while witnessing first-hand the ravages of drugs and gangs. There are also whores.

Fattie Factoids: Carl's "OG" tattoo stands for both Original Gangsta and Olive Garden.

The Pregnant - Dead Space

Girl, no wonder somebody already knocked you up. You are fine, frisky, and fabulous. I would like to spend all day gazing into your cold and empty sockets, but I am too afraid to put your game in my console.

The Pregnant is one of the many spawns of Satan you must face as doomed astronaut Isaac Clarke. Take it down as soon as possible to avoid the scythe arms, but shoot it in its pregnant belly and waves of scary things (like spiders!) will pour out and attack you.

GIVE ME PICKLES AND ICE CREAM

Fattie Factoids: "The Pregnant" is not a good nickname for real-life fatties.

Earthquake: Samurai Shodown series

Is it your hysterical clown tats? Is it your craggy, rotten teeth? Is it your tiny shirt and pants, which have been ripped open by your bulging muscles/rambling fat rolls? No, Quakers, I love you for you. That, and the way you use your kusarigama to fetch extra steaks off the Ponderosa buffet.

Earthquake is one of the fighters in the Samurai Shodown series and is featured in SNK Vs. Capcom. He is a burglar by trade, and his best move is called the Fat Carnival. He can also fight using farts and burps as weapons.

Fattie Factoids: As a child, Earthquake cut his opium with finely-shredded beef jerky.

Fat Princess - Fat Princess

It’s up to you to make snacky sacrifices to this gordita goddess. The fatter she gets, the more likely your opponents are to pass out in ecstasy as they try to heave her bloated body back to their castle. Be careful not to try and pass off a Hostess 100 calorie pack, though, unless you want the last motorboat of your life.

Fat Princess is set for a release later this summer on the Playstation Network. It's a strategy title pitting teams of up to sixteen characters together with the goal of rescuing your princess from an opponent's castle while preventing your opponent from rescuing their princess from your castle by feeding her and making her heavier to carry. It features ten dessert-themed levels, like Coco Cliffs and Black Forest.

Fattie Factoids: This game makes people really mad!

Fat Buu - Dragon Ball series

A scoop of strawberry soft-serve masquerading as an adult baby? Table for two, please. Not only is Fat Buu as tasty as the ice cream treat, but he can even transform his enemies into food…which also happens to be his greatest enemy.

Fat Buu is, apparently, one of the forms of Buu, a thing from Dragon Ball.

Fattie Factoids: 17 dragon ball jokes were removed from this article.

Zangief - Street Fighter series

Like Muhammad Ali, Zangief manages to be completely muscular, yet totally fat. Inexplicable shin hair screams wild male sensuality. Cold nights in Siberia are made so much hotter cuddling with Zangief under a bearskin rug that he wrestled to death five minutes ago. Relax and allow yourself to drift into a world of quiet, Commie passion as he spoon feeds you a bowl of borscht while whispering sweet nothings of Marx and Trotsky.

Zangief, a staple of the Street Fighter series, is a wrasslin’ Russkie with a heart of gold and thighs of steel.

Fattie Factoids: Zangief's fave foods include live bear and capitalist pig.

Mondu - Tongue of the Fatman

How'd you like to be the slop in this Manwich?

Mondu, the intergalactic Don King and our huskiest hottie, tames his food cravings with a giant mouth that directly connects to his stomach. Wasting hours preparing a healthy meal at home, or flopping over on top of a Little Debbie display case in the gas station? You tell me who's smarter.

Mondu is the star of one fighting game with three different titles: Tongue of the Fatman, Mondu’s Fight Palace, and Slaughter Sport (DOS, C64, and Genesis). He’s a space brawl organizer and sometimes fighter with the universe’s most luxurious pair of moobs. Mondu is a god among men. Gorgeous by nature and and coquetteish by design: Mondu…Mon Dieu!

Fattie Factoids: While outwardly crass and even unloveable, Mondu is a sensitive soul who spends most of his free time dusting his collection of Little House on the Prairie porcelain dolls.