Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball received WAY more attention from me than it probably deserved. I was OBSESSED with that game for weeks and weeks eventually logging some where around 60+ hours into it. The sad thing was that I never even collected everything, but had there been achievements on the original Xbox my total time probably would have topped 100+ hours in my attempt to outfit the ladies in every possible bikini. Needless to say I was very excited to learn that a sequel was hitting the 360 but when it was released the reviews were nothing but scathing and I held off on getting it. When I learned that we were going to tackle Dead Or Alive games for our second 3 in 5 theme I knew that my time had come.

How does it compare to the original? Find out after the oh so jiggly jump.

This game exists for one purpose and one purpose only: to make your pants feel tighter. That's it. I figure that has to be the reason since the game doesn't do a whole lot of things particularly well. Considering there aren't many things to do in the game to begin with this will pose a problem for most gamers. When you try to figure why you're doing the things that are available to you your brain starts to ache.

In the Dead Or Alive universe the token black guy is named Zack. He's either the most idiotic or brilliant character in the history of video games depending on how you see it. On one hand he's the most annoying "cool guy" ever. He spouts nonsense and has an ego the size of Tina's boobs to back it up. On the other hand he convinces every girl in the DoA universe to come to this remote island (that rose from the sea with hotels, a casino and volleyball courts in tact, of course) to wear tiny bikinis and jump around for days.

There are only a few things you can do to make the women jump around, bringing out your inner pervert. There's the standard 2 on 2 volleyball, "pool hopping", jet ski races and "butt battles". That last one...it's exactly as it sounds. The controls for all of the most game-like activities (including the worthless casino you can visit at night) are all very simple affairs, mostly just taking a thumb stick and two buttons. There's also a mode where your lady can just lounge around the pool or frolic in the sand and as the user you simply watch her do this. If you have a camera equipped you can take pictures during this time but you'll want to consult the instruction book if you do...there's four times as many controls for the camera as there are for the rest of the game. You can even adjust the f stop and turn auto focus on and off. In volleyball you use the same button to serve, spike and block. On the camera everything has a dedicated button. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about this game I don't know what will.

It's well known that the woman of DoA are all "hot" and have HUGE jubblies. One of the things that Team Ninja has worked very hard on (huh-huh, hard on) is what has become known as "Breast Physics". It's a tough job, I imagine. However it appears that the guys working on the 1's and 0's forgot how real chesticles react to things like, I don't know, standing still. The big technical innovation this time around was that the left jug would act independently of the right melon. They failed. Though they do act independently of one another they also act independently of gravity. There's been many times where Kasumi has just been standing completely still and her fun bags are just rollicking away...independently. It would be kinda hot if it wasn't so puzzling. I guess all of my first hand experience with real tee-tahs has ruined this aspect of the game for me.

The one area where the game shines is in the graphics. The tropical locations and lighting in this game are beautiful. However the character and world models look like they were taken straight from the original game (which was a looker on the original Xbox) and polished to shine. It's not the best looking game the 360 has to offer but it will impress friends if you're lucky enough to be experiencing the bouncing sweater puppies in HD.

Unfortunately the game is an assault on your ears. Every music track is awful and the voice acting...oye. They assign these awful stereotypically-accented voices to the different characters. The only good thing I can say about it is that they finally decided to rerecord the four lines of dialogue in English instead of leaving it in Japanese. Normally I wouldn't complain about it but this always struck me as lazy since there was so few lines in the game.

Here's the thing, even though I know exactly why this game exists and fully recognize all of its flaws that won't stop me from putting silly amounts of time into it. I'll get caught up in the act of keeping my partner happy (by giving her gifts...how else can you please a woman? OH!!!) and collecting the multitude of swimsuits. It's going to be hard finding the time though...this isn't the kind of game I like to be seen playing. It makes me feel dirty...very, very dirty.

So if you're smart, you'll stay away. Unfortunately for me, I have a soft spot for these ladies and their unending desire to play volleyball. Now if you'll excuse me, Lisa's waiting for me and she's wearing that new sailor hat I bought her...

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